How not to get attacked by a zombie

For this Halloween special I would like to dedicate this post to one of the most important topics out there.  Generally my topics are about self improvement in the business world or just general things going on with my personal life, but this blog post can save your life!  Read along to find the 5 steps needed to stay safe from zombies this Halloween.  You may have not known that I was listed #3 on Zombie Fancy’s top feared human list for the past two years.

1. Carry a weapon – Chances are if you are getting attacked by a zombie you will most likely survive if you have a weapon.  We would recommend a sawed off shotgun, a machete, and at the least a baseball bat.  Remember, when zombie’s attack they are going for your brains so try to effectively remove their jaw and their brain consuming features will be rendered useless.
2. Set out a trap – This is like preventative medicine.  It’s going to be better to stop a zombie before they ever see you than to risk a one on one battle with a weapon.  There are a lot of options out there, but by far the best option is to nail a giant blue tarp to your property and fill it with fly paper goo.  In the middle put some spaghetti with red sauce and a giant sign that reads “BRAINS!”  The next morning you will awake to find your zombies stuck to the fly paper tarp.  Use above weapons after that.  *note* you may also get harmless critters stuck to your trap.
3. Be defensive – Look, zombie killing is a serious matter and shouldn’t be taken lightly.  One thing you should always do is not to attack until you are absolutely sure it’s a zombie.  Typical signs are wrinkly people with a limp that are moaning “brains.”  If you are on the offense you may end up attacking the elderly or someone with cerebral palsy.  It’s not worth the risk.
4. Don’t hang out in cemeteries - This is a no brainer.  If you want to avoid zombies the worst place to go is the breeding ground of zombies.  Strolling along the park is a great idea but strolling along a cemetery could result in a zombie grabbing your leg and eventually eating your brains.  Play it safe bro/sis – no cemeteries.
5. Keep your dog on a leash – Look, dogs have a knack for chasing after things.  Zombies are definitely part of that category.  By keeping your dog on a leash you will not have to search for them in strange areas where zombies can pounce on you.

If you keep these 5 rules in check you will have no problem staying safe this Halloween and other fearsome days.  Happy Halloween everyone!